not quite sure why, but i am just not my typical "this is my birthday month, yay me" mindset this year.  i was actually a little down the past week for various reasons.  not sure if i'm going through a twenty something mini crisis.  i normally don't freak out about age or living by people's time lines of what i should be doing/accomplishing at a certain age.  heaven knows i busted my parents' time line of getting married and popping out kids years ago.  just been pondering a lot of things in my life, the good and the bad, and what is in store for me next.  i think all this self-reflecting, stress from work, stress about finding a place to live that will please both vic and i, and feeling subpar made me wish i could swipe a few samples of lexapro at work.  kidding.  i do feel my mood has improved greatly since midweek due to improved weather, improved productivity, and improved skin.  now if only all those things could keep improving.

all i really want for my birthday and in life is to feel happy.  not so much to ask for, right?

i'm curious of what are people's definitions of lying is.  according to my dictionary on my desk (yes, i actually own one) it is to "speak falsely, have a deceitful appearance".  i had my fair share of lies the past three years and have to admit i've done some lying on my own.  i don't lie often but when i do they are often of the white lie realm.  i would never lie to betray family and friends.  i've definitely curbed back on the white lies because why say something i don't mean just to be polite?  for example, if i didn't like someone's outfit and was asked what i thought about it, i would say the outfit is fabulous.  now, i try not to say anything or change the subject if i don't have a good relationship with that person.  if i'm close to that person and depending on the matter, i'll give my two cents.  still not sure if that's a good or bad thing to do.  i believe a relationship i had with someone suffered greatly due to lies and my upfront talks.  i refuse to put on a facade that things are ok when they're not and tell things for what it is.  i'm not sure if it's my stubborness or self righteous getting in the way.

i believe not saying anything is also a form of lying.  according to the quoted definition, not saying the truth and pretending everything is ok is lying.  that's how i interpret it anyway.  so that brings me to my point of this rambling.  is lying ok when it is to spare someone's feelings and maintain the status quo with someone?  i can see why someone would avoid telling someone the truth.  from my experience, it changes everything about the relationship.  do i regret anything about being vocal about the truth?  no, the only thing i regret is the lack of relationship that is present.  it's hard to say lying is a bad thing when there are so many variables and situations that may or may not benefit from it.  for me, i do not tolerate lying.  a white lie here or there from myself or my family and friends, i can let slide as long as it wasn't hurtful to anyone involved.  i'm not here to say that i'm the lie enforcer because i wrote i do occasionally lie about liking certain foods or an article of clothing but i would not lie to hurt or betray someone.  it's just a standard i set for myself or for the people i have relationships with.

i am going to miss my apartment a lot.  saw another apartment this weekend and the counter space in the bathroom is so tiny.  the counter space i have now is so spacious compared to most bathrooms i saw.

happy birthday, dad!

have faith.